Give Yourself Wings

dragonfly wings

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Cupcake in Memory

Trigger warning for those sensitive to suicide topics.

Just for the record, I love cupcakes. Moist, delectable cupcakes with frosting. Lots of frosting.

And I can’t eat them now without a physical reaction. My gut clenches and tears find their way to my eyes. Oh, I still eat them and enjoy them, but I can’t have one without remembering that day. The day my friend took his life.

I walked into the student center where I work after calling Mark to find out where he was. No answer. Not unusual, he often didn’t hear his phone or got tied up with work. He’d meet me in the pub later like he always did, I assumed.

Down the stairs into the main corridor, and met one of the dining employees. She had a tray of cupcakes in her hands.

“Those look scrumptious.” And knowing the college’s dining service, I knew they would be.

“Want one? They are leftover from a meeting. We were trying them out.”

Tell me, who passes up a free cupcake that looked like chocolate heaven? Not I. So I walked into the pub, cupcake in hand, and filtered lots of greedy looks and comments to abscond with the treasure in my hands. I ordered food, then found a table and texted Mark. Hey, Mark, just checking on you to make sure you are alive. The amount of horror I feel at that choice of words now is superseded only by the fucking cupcake.

I ate my lunch, chatting with coworkers that stopped by, inquiring why I was dining alone. We joked that I got stood up by my work spouse.

And then I ate that cupcake. It was delicious. Everything perfect a cupcake could be. I was close to licking the frosting off of the paper, it was that good.

All the while my dear friend’s body was getting colder. All the while a small amount of blood dripped down from where the bullet had entered his skull. All the while the gun had dropped to the floor after the shot rang out.

My friend was dead. And I was indulging. The two items are not related, I know this. Yet they will be forever linked in my mind.

The kind, sweet soul that he was would tell me that of course I should eat the cupcake. That I should always eat the cupcake.

I will, Mark. I promise. I just wish you were here to share it with me.

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Pathways

http://nature.desktopnexus.com/wallpaper/1650423/

I walk a different path
Always have
My steps converging with others
Once in a while
When the water drifts close
And my spirit vessel recognizes kindred hearts

They sync for a time
Joyous song
Dancing in harmony together

Until there is a tug inside
A whisper
The current changes, and I must go

Not a goodbye, not an ending
A course alteration
There is no need to follow
I revel in the solitary
I am here with you, always
Wishing you well

As we travel our destined star pathways
Guided by inner light
Seeking our own travel to the source.

For the Sisters of the Sacred Circle, I love you.
Amy Dionne, 2016

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Starlight

I finally switched over the calendar in my loft to December. Yes, I realize it’s the end of the month and the new year is close upon us. I haven’t spent much time in my loft, which I use for writing, yoga, and where most of my books are, for quite a while. Life, work, busy, busy, busy…you know how it is.

Now that I have a couple days of reprieve, I am picking away at the clutter and clearing space for peace and creativity. Finally, I flipped the calendar to December, already wondering which of the lovely calendars I received for Yule and Christmas will take its place.starlight

I stopped all movement when I saw this calendar page. I think my heart and my breath both caught and remained suspended for a long, long moment. This page is a gift, a message, from Tanya, my beloved friend who passed two and a half years ago.

She called me Starlight in every email, her name for me. The artwork I know she would have adored. Every part of this picture represents our friendship, well, more than that. She was the sister of my heart, and always will be.

This page was a reminder. To clear out the clutter, physical and emotional, to focus on what matters, and settle into my core being. To write. To dance. To laugh. To revel in beauty and magic.

I may have pushed that sign away, caught up in the spin of life, but the universe waited until I was ready to listen. So with gratitude for my beautiful friend, I smile and breathe deeply. I settle in to the core of my being, ready to move forward. Knowing she is always looking out for me.

Perhaps I’ll change the calendar pages promptly this year.

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A Yule Blessing and Solstice Wish

in the woods

In a shadowed time as the dark seeps in
May the flame find its spark
As the days are short and fleeting
May the inner compass guide true
When the cold permeates the stillness
May the flame find its spark
If the soul is worn and heart-weary
May the comfort of friends ease the hurt
To find the way through winter’s chill
Gather heart and light and warmth within

Amy Dionne, 2015

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When Daylight Leaves

When Daylight Leaves

As the light recedesMoonrise
A shroud of darkness descends
Little snippets of joy
Bring sorrow instead

Heart mired in shadow
Coated with black
Lethargy spreads
Immobilized limbs

The soul keens silently
Echoes Its pain under the skin
Bruised knees battered from the ground

Did not ask for this
Do not want this
Anguish from foggy reason

All details magnified
A cut, becomes a slice, becomes a gaping wound
Unbalanced by a tear
Choking on the ones held back

Flat on the ground
Rocks rip skin
Pressed by burden
Without, within
Weighted
Paralyzed with desperation

Mind’s battle
Fake smile
Hidden light
A puppet with routine strings
Dance of shadow

One step, another
Forward only by will
Seeking light
Finding none
Holding on

Just holding on

 

Amy Dionne, 2015

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Samhein Musings

Blessed Samhein.

The harvest is done and put away. Preparations for the long winter underway. The temperature dips, the clocks are set back, the animals don their winter cTree in Shadowoats.

Hail now the growing dark, for that is when we face the questions from the shadows that linger within. Only in the time of dark are those thoughts freely able to rise to the surface. They are personal. Necessary. Residing within the shadowed places in your body and soul. Accented by questions left unasked.

This is a time of shadow, a dark need arisen.

Remember though, shadows can only exist because the light does. While the uneasy topics rise up and those unanswered questions demand a response, the light will return in its own time.

Until then, sit with those dark places in soulful reflection. From now until the spring, ask the darkness what lessons it has for you. The answers that you didn’t even realize you seek are within.

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Unbalanced

Credit to Andy Goldsworthy

Credit to Andy Goldsworthy

Unbalanced
Tightrope without a net
Strung together on threadbare wings

Slid my hand in yours
But you let go
Too much weight

My charred mind
With its coal black thoughts
Left no room for light

Close your eyes and truly see
Your shine is fake
The top down smile doesn’t fool me

Get off your platform
At least I crawled
Emerged covered in mud

Not trying to drag you down
See reality instead
The ground is stronger than the air you walk on

Pull me up and I will counter-weight
Together in a spiral
Until the energy spun connects us both

Swirling, entwined with the universe
Sight clear, voice strong
Light and dark in harmony

Life’s challenges
Ebb and ease
Standing side by side

Amy Dionne, 2015

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The Door Within

inner doorVision of hidden realms within
Behind the inner door
A beacon of journey’s end

Obscured by false fog
Lured away with shiny promises
The key won’t turn
Clues change constantly
Secrets guarding the path

Frustrations mount on twisted pathways
Draped with haunted memories
Harsh words, and bitter regrets

Valiant efforts
Yet the door won’t open
Stuck
Warped shut
Blocked by jagged layers of tangled arguments
Veiled misunderstandings
Warped by time
Kicking batters the door
Fevered curses blister the lock

Sinking against the door
Unyielding
Structure hard on weary bones
Despair clings
Heartache swirls
Hope escapes through tears

Lost
Damaged
Broken
An empty shattered husk

Until all is given up
Until all is surrendered
Until all past versions release

Gentle caress of a new breeze
A wedge of light
Another door
No lock
Swung ajar

The true door was present all along
Unseen until freedom permeated old realities
Former ways that no longer served
Beliefs wrapped in false trimmings

Only the journey knew the way

Amy Dionne, 2015

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A Love Letter from a Story

happieroutsideThe following letter was told to me by one of my characters – Evan, from Intertwined, a fantasy story about magic, defeating the old ways, and realizing that other cultures have the same heart.

Dialoguing with my characters is a technique I use to get to the center of my characters, or ask them to open up to me about what a certain problem is or figure out why they’re quiet. This particular instance resulted in him directing his thoughts towards me, and knowing I needed his reassurance that day. These characters of mine are why I keep writing. I can’t ever let them down.

Evan writes:

Hey gorgeous. I see the confusion in your eyes. You’re pulled in so many directions. You want to make everyone happy. You’re worried about security. You’re worried about making the wrong choices.

While your internal turmoil is twisting you into knots, might I just add that you should choose us? Your characters. Your stories. Here’s why – we’ll never let you down. You will never lack for worlds to create or plots to construct or relationships to cultivate.

Sure you could just continue reading others’ works and find some level of happiness. They won’t be the stories you need to write. They won’t be written with your voice. They won’t have your heart and soul entwined in them.

That’s why we love you. That’s why we show up when you ask it of us. That’s why we let you destroy our lives, our families, our relationships, so you can put us back together in a way only you can construct.

So while you’re making those grand choices and plans to secure your future, bank on us. We exist because of you, and we won’t ever let you down. We will love you through it all, and are so ready to come alive to your readers.

So choose us. We’re worth it.
Love, Evan

With communications like that, how could I ever not believe it?

Image snagged from my friends at Happier Outside.

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